Chuck Norris is the Man of the Hour – regardless of what time it is. Older readers may remember the action star from shows like Walker, Texas Ranger and films like Lone Wolf McQuade. His knowledge of martial arts, exercise, and philosophy made him somewhat of a legend.
In the turn of the century, internet users started discovering some of the more unique talents and abilities of the action star. You think you know Chuck Norris? You only know what he lets you know.
Please note: this is a humorous article and not 100% accurate.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares at them until he gets the info he needs
That’s right. Despite being a renowned author of several best-selling books, Chuck Norris has never actually read one. He doesn’t need to. All he does is look at a book and the information simply travels into his brain.
This is how he has become such a talented and well-rounded person. Rumors suggest he ‘looks’ at thousands of books a day, accumulating more knowledge than the Dalai Lama.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Because who needs any other speed? You don’t want to mess with Chuck Norris or you might end up getting roundhouse kicked in the face. When he’s not busy killing, you can see him walking in a forceful and confident manner.
When he’s not walking, boy do you want to get out of his way. Urban legend suggests that Norris can just LOOK at you and it makes you want to die.
Chuck Norris doesn’t write books: the words assemble themselves out of fear.
The rumors are true. Despite having two New York Times best-selling books in his name, he’s never actually written a single word. Here’s how it happens.
When he sits down to write a best-seller, the words simply assemble themselves onto the page out of sheer fear for the man. It is understood that the entire works of Shakespeare can appear in front of him in a matter of seconds.
He once ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. And got one.
Nobody tells Chuck Norris where to eat or what to order. When he was traveling around the country to promote one of his many perfect books, he pulled over at a Burger King and ordered a large Big Mac with fries.
The kitchen staff immediately went to the grill and prepared him a Big Mac from scratch. At the end of the meal, he winked at the staff and three waitresses fainted.
Chuck Norris doesn’t own an oven. Because revenge is best served cold.
Anyone who has ever had the lifetime honor of being invited to Norris’ home knows that his kitchen is just one big fridge. Aside from a selected of the world’s best meats, he has a space reserved for one dish: revenge.
You don’t want to be the person to help him fill that space. We’ve heard that one person caused him to go out and seek revenge. That man was wiped off the Earth and out of existence from humanity.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the face. Its descendants are called giraffes.
That’s right: he created giraffes. He did this because a horse once looked at him the wrong way which caused Norris to go on the attack. After begging for mercy from the TV star and icon, the horse walked away with an extended neck.
The kick was so powerful that it carried on through to his descendants. Today, giraffes walk the Earth as a constant reminder not to look at Chuck Norris incorrectly.
Chuck Norris knows everything: except the concept of mercy.
Don’t go around expecting mercy from Chuck Norris. The man literally doesn’t know the concept of it. In fact, it’s the only thing in the world that he doesn’t know.
Norris has been famous for taking no prisoners when it comes to handing out revenge and seeking justice. Just ask any of his victims. Oh wait, you can’t: they’re all dead. Next time you wrong a Norris, be prepared to live your final day.
Jesus walks on water, but Chuck Norris walks on Jesus
Some may say that Jesus can do anything. Those people haven’t met Chuck Norris. According to urban legend, Chuck Norris walks on Jesus who, in turn, is walking on water. This means Chuck Norris can walk on water.
When these majestic heroes meet there isn’t anything they can’t do. Next time you think about getting a boat to sail the seven seas, there’s no need to count Norris in your headcount.
Jesus turns water into wine. Norris turns that wine into beer.
Chuck Norris is a man of the people. He understands that while Jesus might turn water into gushing glasses of wine, the people want an ice-cold beer. When he takes Jesus’ wine, all he needs to do is look at it and then larger appeared.
This way, Norris can feed men and women all over the world with the best-tasting beer that has ever graced the Earth. Thank you, Chuck!
Chuck Norris can’t dream. He’s too busy giving other people nightmares.
Dreams are for the weak. Chuck Norris doesn’t dream at night because he’s seeking revenge on his enemies through their nightmares. Never again will they be able to sleep without staring into the face of justice.
Another reason that Norris doesn’t dream is because he doesn’t need sleep. Chuck Norris simply blinks for a few seconds and his body automatically recharges. Each blink charges him for 512 years and two months.
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks a chicken
That’s right. No star of Walker, Texas Ranger is waiting for chickens to lay eggs. Norris eats on his time and doesn’t wait for animals. When he has his morning 8-egg omelet, he cracks open eight different chickens to get the eggs he needs.
This is usually accompanied by a glass of orange juice that he injects straight into his veins through an injection to the neck. Then he’s ready to do some roundhouse kicks.
He’s not politically correct. He’s just correct.
Contrary to what you might see in California or New York, most people don’t have time for political correctness. Unfortunately, most of us are stuck trying to not offend anyone. Just have a look online and see who is getting upset over something.
Not Chuck. For him, there’s no political correctness. He’s just always correct in every conceivable way. Next time you think you’re offended by something someone said or did, just remember: Chuck doesn’t care what you think.
He killed two stones with one bird
The famous expression ‘killing two birds with one stone’ means nothing to Norris. In fact, he doesn’t consider anything a success unless he can kill two stones by only using one bird. That’s how he rolls each and every day.
The action hero has often spent time subverting expectations when it comes to what is humanly possible. The only likely reason is that he is not from this Earth. He is a superbeing
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris isn’t bound by myths like time. In fact, he doesn’t even live his life by these stupid rules. If Chuck Norris tells you what time it is, then that’s what time it is. No exceptions.
It is widely understood that Norris actually created the concept of time to keep his victims trapped in a loop of their own misery. Only he knows the truth and how he can roundhouse kick people in the face day or night.
Death once had a ‘near-Chuck Norris Experience’
Death was almost met with the action star. He describes it as the single most frightening experience of his life. Chuck Norris didn’t kill Death since it would disturb the order of the universe.
Still, Death knows it isn’t safe and Norris would easily roundhouse kick him dead if he ever had a change of heart. The only thing Death fears is fear of Chuck Norris. And that’s exactly the way that Norris likes it.
He doesn’t win. He lets you lose.
There are winners and losers in this life. When you’re with Chuck Norris, it is scientifically impossible to win. You either lose or you die.
If he doesn’t roundhouse kick you in the face to death, then Chuck Norris will generously and graciously let you lose. No need to feel shame about it: literally no one has ever won against him. Even losing in his presence is considered a high honor in 26 states.
Chuck Norris’ sneeze caused Hurricane Katrina
In 2004, America was hit with one of the worst natural disasters in its history. This is all because Chuck Norris sneezed one morning, setting off a tragic set of events that would cause Hurricane Katrina.
One sneeze from Norris can cause earthquakes, hurricanes, tornados, or even volcanic eruptions. He has yet to fart, so no one can predict the biochemical damage that might occur when it finally happens. Scientists are predicting it will be Chernobyl time a million.
Chuck Norris made Rome in a day
Contrary to popular belief, Rome WAS actually built in a day. We know this because it was Norris who built it. It was a bet between him and the emperor, who challenged him to build a colosseum.
Well, Norris built the colosseum and then continued to construct the entire ancient city all before lunchtime. After a quick snack of a 72oz steak, Norris invented Maths and educated the Romans on reason and rationality.
Some kids dress up as Superman. Superman dresses up as Chuck Norris.
For kids, Superman is considered the strongest and most noble man in history. Well, that’s exactly what Superman thinks about Chuck Norris. It is understood that Superman dresses up as Norris when he wants to feel even stronger and more perfect.
Meanwhile, Chuck Norris does not dress up as anyone since no one can match his level of magic and inspiration. Maybe one day he will invent the best hero ever.